Thursday, February 16, 2012

Conscience in chaos

04 46 am, morning of February 16th 2012, I begin writing this 'post' in a sheer dark room, the only source of light - my laptop. It is another sleepless night, one of many I've had in the past two years. I haven't slept much in the past five days, only enough to keep myself alive. I do, however, travel into this limbo where I'm at peace with my thoughts. I find myself unable to answer phone calls, I'm deaf to any noise in my house, I'm blind to any movement in my room, I'm lost. When my girlfriend asks me where I was, I simply tell her I fell asleep. It is a lie, I know. It is an honest lie, I believe she will understand. I'll probably receive a call the moment she reads this. This state of oblivion that I'm in is actually part sleep, I'm at rest. Pulled away from this chaotic world, encumbrance of life. I'm in a place that is second to perfect. It is my creation, I'm able to do whatever I want to and I choose to be free. The only place that is perfect, for me, is in the arms of the girl I love. That is one place where I'm away from the world, the responsibilities of life, I'm away from all those deceitful people.

I do realize that most of the people reading this will be thinking, 'he is running away from his life, what an idiot. That is impossible!'

Guess I am running right now. I'm running away from all those stressful memories, responsibilities, people, the whole damned world. I'm running as fast as I can and as far as possible from all those bubbles we have created around us, the life that others want me to live, the path others want to pave for me. I'm trying to run towards what I want, and I only want to be me, I want to be my voice, my dreams.

My father tells me that I should have studied natural sciences and be working towards becoming an engineer, so I can take over the family business. Was it my fault that I preferred social sciences over natural? That I wanted to understand my society, my place in it and most importantly myself?

My friends complain that I don't give them as much time as I used to. They tell me I've changed, that I'm mostly home and do not like doing all those things I used to do all the time. I simply tell them that I've learnt to be better than my past. I've struggled to be a better person.

My mother tells me to go out and spend some time with my friends and I tell her I don't want to because I won't be able to enjoy, so there's no point. She argues back saying that I loved eating at all those restaurants by the coast, that I had good time hanging around in parks and sort of places. Sometimes I don't have an answer to this because she is right, I enjoyed all of that and still do, it is just I lack the will and motivation to do it now.

I am 20 years, 3 months and 4 days old. I've lived my life without any regrets. I've done a lot more than most people my age, in terms of living life. Eating at expensive restaurants, going to wild parties, staying out all night and sometimes for days, smoking cigarettes and cigars, riding and racing in some of the best cars in the city, boating and cruising. I've done all of this but then things started changing two years back when the floods came and my school asked for volunteers to go on a relief trip. I consented. That was my first actual experience of life. Out there, without my parents' permission, in those relief camps, walking amongst all those  flood victims. That is when it struck to me that I've wasted almost 18 years.

I have always been a bright student at school. Took part in a bunch of co-curricular activities. Won school elections in the final year of my O' level and became head boy. Received a special 'Best Student' award - which meant that I was the best they had in the four years of that school's life. So, popular in school, girls around me, lots of 'friends' and friends, proud parents. Happy little bubble. Burst by those kids in that camp, pleading us for more bags of food and water. Following this trip, I took 12 more. I had sleepless nights. I had stressed out days.

Soon after this, I waged this epic battle against myself. I worked more and harder for my society and tried to achieve as much as I could. Of course, this was to raise serious concerns from my family as they wanted me to focus on my studies and indulge myself in more 'worthwhile' activities. This was answered by doing both, only that I chose not to disclose what I'm doing other than in school.

Sometimes I ask myself  if I did wrong by hiding things from my parents and the only rational answer is that I was right. I did what I wanted to do, things that make me feel better about myself, things that needed to be done. We come across many such moments in life where we have to make a decision, I just learnt to go with my heart. I learnt that life will throw many opportunities at us to change, be a better person. We just need to know when to grasp it and then how to follow the trail that we have to pave ourselves.

On April 26th 2011, the most beautiful thing happened to me. I guess it was the only time when I didn't have to decide, I didn't have to choose, I just knew it. I fell in love with the most beautiful girl. And when I say beautiful, I do not mean by appearance only, but also the person she is. We've planned our whole life ahead. And I know that come whatever may, she is the one for me. However, since people like to speak and when doing so they don't want to see others happy or be content with what they have or what they choose, my relatives said they have problems with our relationship because we have some religious differences. Well, as I am a person of what I like to call 'objective' beliefs, I simply told them off saying that it is my life and I will choose who I want to spend it with. I don't know if they understand it, I really do not care. Fareeha, I love you and I've been in love with you ever since I first saw you. I want to spend my whole life with you. You are my first love, you are my only love, you are the love of my life.
- Also, I do not care what people might think of us.

That is one more thing. I've stopped caring about people's opinion of me. It doesn't matter. I care only about a very small fraction of all the people I know, and I care about the opinion of an even smaller fraction of that very small fraction. But well, that's just me.

Here's a picture of me, I don't know why I'm attaching it though.

In case anyone's wondering, I love that black shirt and I have 31 exactly same white t-shirts. I always dress up like this - a t-shirt and an unbuttoned shirt on top.

I'll go offer namaz and make my breakfast after that. Have a good day.