Friday, August 12, 2011

How life turned around over the years and Russian Bear

Since the day of discovering sanity I have always kept my thoughts and feelings to myself, with the exception of my mother (mothers always know it all) and now the love of my life. Born in a family where no one actually likes to share anything with each other and everyone tries to stay busy with whatever their life is, I was a strange little child for my parents. As I remember and as they tell me, I've always been playful and this grew with time as I liked to poke my nose in everyone's business because we are a family and that is how families should be like but then I grew older.

With time I busied myself in my life. I no longer cared about what others did. I started going out with my friends more often, found new activities, started studying more and found a new path to follow, a better life. I became a social activist. I found that in helping others I find peace and satisfaction and I just grab every opportunity to do so. Hard work was found to be a virtue. Sometimes when things were unclear or I had to put my mind straight I would just run, I would run without stopping for air or water, I would run until my legs give up and my body collapse, I still do it sometimes, I've been doing it for over four years now (as I recall). Living in a coastal city I found that the sea calms me down as well. I can just sit there and look in the horizon and listen to the sounds of the sea. I find peace in that. When it is not possible to go there I just go to my roof and let the wind carry away with it whatever's on mind. Early this year I was diagnosed by my Psychology teacher to have anger management issues. My sleep patterns worsened over the past two years. Now I can't sleep for more than 3 - 4 hours a day and sometimes I lay awake in my bed, thinking, and the sun rises and the new day starts and I go on for a couple of days or more without sleep.

I had these phases of my life where I changed from one extreme to another. By the age of seven I was a playful little child with no worries at all (because I was still a kid). Then I turned into a scared shy boy who would hide behind his mother even if someone was taking a picture. I was just afraid of the world generally, Amma was the only thing that mattered, the only shelter I sought. By the time I was fourteen I had started questioning my religious beliefs and this was the time I let go of my social fears because I was communicating over the internet, Orkut was thing at that time, with people from all over the globe and I had started talking to these Muslim clerics. I spent three years reading about different religions, went through a phase of apostasy and agnosticism. Then eventually I reverted back to Islam and opposed the beliefs of my family. They belong to a certain sector of Islam and I refused to associate myself with any. After this 'war' was over I set myself upon a path of serving humanity as best as I could with my limited resources and potential and finding the 'higher truth' of life and I'm still travelling this road.

Then on March 17th I met someone and things changed after that. Let me give you a little background to the story. In December, one of my seniors and a fellow blogger, Asif, linked me and some other friends to this totally amazing blog. I started reading this blogger on regular basis. I didn't have my own blog at this time, so I decided to make one and as such I had to decide on a name for blogging. 'Russian Bear' was chosen. Russian because some of my friends say that my accent is Russian, while others say it is German, French or Polish but Russian sounds badass. My friends from all over the city call me Bear or Bhaloo (Urdu for bear) and so it became Russian Bear. I was following this blogger, I was fascinated and amazed by her. On March 17th, my school had organized a drama evening and two other bloggers following her blog were performing that night and I had to be there with other friends who were following her blog as well. An invitation was sent to her to come for the drama evening and she did. That was the first time I saw her and it was almost dramatic for me because it was so unbelievable.

I was standing by the auditorium's door because that is where I was asked to be. I was a prefect and had duties to be performed at such events. Well, the door opened behind me and in the darkness of the auditorium walked in this incredibly beautiful radiant girl. I recognized her. For a moment there my mind went absolutely blank and then it was absorbed and filled by her, the beautiful angel I had just seen. I stood there and I was figuring out ways to go up to her and talk to her, then I just went over and stood near her so I can look at her, I kept on stealing glances... she was perfect and the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I walked up to her and said 'hi' and I was nervous, she greeted me back and we were introduced to each other by Asif. After the plays ended we all stood in circle and talked and my fascination for her kept on growing, I was in love with her.

I started e-mailing her some days later, followed by messaging and then meeting and falling in love. She made my life beautiful, she made me happy and smile like nothing ever did. Nobody ever made me feel the way she does. When I look at her, when I hear her voice and when I'm with her, the world seems to be different, it becomes perfect because she is perfect. She is the most beautiful person I've ever seen. We are together and it is has been almost four months and I'm sure of one thing like I have never been in my life, that she is the one with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. She is the one I love, she is the purpose of my life, she is my life.
I remember how she loved it when I first called her 'Jaan'
Jaan, I love you. I need you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to marry you.


  1. The most-loveliest-post I have ever read on Blogger.

    It's a pleasure knowing a bit more about you, and how you found blogger, and then through blogger how you found 'her'.

    Sounds like a fairy tale. =)

    While reading first part of this post , I felt many things we share. I am an insomniac too, shy, revert to Islam, a rebel to my parent's religious beliefs.
    WoW! that's a lot =D

    A plethora of best wishes, prayers for both of you. May your live be full of glee, bliss, contentment and success. Ameen.


  2. Awesome!!! I like your this post Russian bear, this one specially.:D

    This refreshes my memory..:)
    hahahaha :D

    Nice one :)

  3. @Hamza bin Laden - Thank you, that means a lot to me. However, I'm not really an insomniac and I'm not shy anymore.

    @Anonymous - Thank You!

    @Meku Meku - :D

    @ME - hai na? ;) I didn't know until now that you can speak Urdu :D

  4. wow..this so me she's the one <3 <3 <3..i love the way you describe her...gosh

    All da best to you and her :):)

  5. Thank You :) She's the one, she has always been and will always be the one


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